An Open Letter to Chetan Bhagat

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Dear CB,

Congratulations for your best sellers and movies. Happy to see someone from IIT can actually enter the world of literature and produce such brilliant pieces of writing. So how have you been doing these days? All’s well I suppose? No, not asking because cherish ‘lust’ for you. I’m not ‘the Indian thinking woman’. I am just an ordinary girl who has no clue of your abstruse works. Really. I mean I have tried reading them but they never made any sense to me. I mean, why do you have characters from engineering colleges only? And why are they frustrated? I appreciate your penchant for numbers ( engineer after all ) and that must be the reason for your titles, ‘ 1 night at call center’, ‘ 5.someone’, ‘1.5 girlfriend’ but I think my IQ is too low to comprehend your stories. I saw that you have been judging dance reality shows. Hmm… talented Chetan you are. And now this tweet of yours provoked me to finally gather my courage to write this open letter to you.

Seems like you have been working out. Good for you, I mean your health. You know you have grown old quickly, defaming IIT by producing works of art which are excellent props for our beloved Prime Minister’s Swachh Bharat Abhijan Campaign. But let me warn you, you are showing some serious symptoms of Alzheimer’s . Why? Well, you wanted to become a writer. That was good. Engineers can be writers too. But then you became a marketing professional cum writer. You got confused. You wanted to try out dancing too by judging dance reality show. You have been fortunate enough to born in a era where you don’t have to read Arthasastra to qualify yourself as a politician. So you tried politics as well. And finally when all these things have been done and dusted, you are trying out modelling with ‘ plenty of sex packs’. I wonder what you will try next but have you considered the job of a sweeper ever? You are a writer. So you should imagine. Why don’t you do that for our sake and do some good to the society by cleaning off the shit you have been creating and spreading since that ominous day when you got published? Trust me, we would really appreciate that.

However only sane thing you have done or said is calling yourself an ‘object’ with respect to your latest obsession. It’s good that you don’t consider yourself a human being anymore. At least the human race will be spared from the defaming you have been doing to those poor IIT-ians.  You’re an object now. Okay. We all understand even writing those novels was becoming detrimental to your psychological health.

Yes, now coming to this latest obsession where you have already declared yourself as an ‘object’, something which actually provoked me to write this …you have made it official. You are the lust object of the Indian thinking woman. Congratulations CB!! With my M.Phil degree from Jadavpur University, I am honoured to classify myself as the Ignorant Indian Woman  but I do cherish lust for you.

Yes, I cherish my lust for you when I pass by the garbage dumps and the smell greets me reminding me of the noxious air you and your works have infiltrated the world of literature with. Then I see the garbage, heaps of waste dumped into the garbage bin. I wish to see your works there, desperately for they still smell of fresh air, something pretty uncanny for them. Please don’t deprive them of their beloved emperor. How can the garbage dump be complete without the works you have written so far? Do understand their desire, their need and the exigency.

I would refrain myself from saying anything more. I hope you can understand where you are needed. Get well soon.

Thanks and regards,

The Ignorant Indian Woman.

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